Photo Credit: Google Images
The Cloak
The Old Bloke, with the Cloak
Not in the best of times for him to listen
His mood swings often the butt of jokes
But you had better be warned
Look me up to get a feedback
Before you get to see him
Was he just sitting there laid back
And was it safe to let you in ?
He was ever ready to swoop down
On his unsuspecting subordinates
He would not just show a frown
His bark was as vicious as his bite
Is it safe to make an entry
You can only be sure
If he’s happy and jolly
Otherwise don’t come near
Only when word got round
That the Old Bloke was off his Cloak
That’s the best of times
To go in and knock
He is now seen smiling happily
in which case you had better hurry
But..but..
Whassup?
My Sales figures,
What about?
The graph keeps on declining!
Finished, done for
I’m in for a drubbing
My budget, the variance
My revenue is a far cry
Help me , Lord
Not that I didn’t try
Hold it, young man
That is not good marketing
It’s wishful thinking
Your Sales must be ascending
He’ll look you in the eye
That long and piercing look
You just cannot deny
You’ll be in his bad books
Only results count
Your luck may be down
That’s just too bad
He’ll get real mad
Luck and efforts don’t contribute
Results do, it’s the absolute
So, if you still want to see him
The Old Bloke with his Cloak?
You are off your defence
Take my word, no offense!
Just a word of advice
So long as your Sales are down
It is only wise
You will not want to be around
The Old Bloke with his Cloak
his mood swings will go extreme
You’ll better not be another victim
Inspired by d'Verse Critique and Craft
ha. used to work in a sales environment and those that did not meet the quota met the grim reaper often for sure...also used to read cloak and dager comics...so nice pic...
ReplyDeletehaha yes could be on top of the world in his eyes one day and on his crap list the next, have to keep up.
ReplyDeleteha nice hank - enjoyed your sales tale - i like the rhymes and flow of it..think it would win though if you'd give them some space to breathe and break it up in more stanzas like...
ReplyDeleteThe Old Bloke,
with the Cloak
Not in the best of times for him to listen
His mood swings often
the butt of jokes
But you had better be warned
Look me up to get a feedback
Before you get to see him
Was he just sitting there laid back
And was it safe to let you in ? ....
just a suggestion to highlight the rhymes better..
This is really great. I thoroughly enjoyed the read from start to finish. Top job!
ReplyDeleteLoved this Old Bloke in the Cloak poem. :O)
ReplyDeleteWonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Such a joy to read.
ReplyDeleteHave a good week-end;
Yvonne.
hehehe.. loved your sale tale ;)
ReplyDeleteGreat cadence and flow to this piece; the aural deice you employ (the rhyme in particular) really helps to move it along with some urgency. Also the repetition of the key-phrase 'Old bloke with the Cloak' is strong and underpins your Narrative. Some great wordplay in there too.
ReplyDeleteI'd be inclined to go through the piece with a fine-tooth comb and ask wether each - every one - is really and truly needed. Every one must earn its place - every word, phrase, line. Even if it sounds great in itself, if it's not working for the piece overall, it must go. At best, it's cluttering and counterproductive in laying bare the essence of your theme/message. I think you could probably get this piece down to about 70% or 80% of the length it is at present, and it would be all the more powerful for it.
Also think that (particularly given the modern tone and diction), dropping caps at beginnings of lines may be a good idea - it would aid the flow line-to-line and make it feel modern in structure (as only in the old days was poetry always always capitalised; most modern poets don't, bar following a period, of course). Just to see how that might look (merely a suggestion, as always) -
The Old Bloke, with the Cloak
not in the best of times for him to listen
his mood swings often the butt of jokes
but you had better be warned
look me up to get a feedback
before you get to see him
was he just sitting there laid back
and was it safe to let you in ?
He was ever ready to swoop down
on his unsuspecting subordinates
he would not just show a frown
his bark was as vicious as his bite
is it safe to make an entry
you can only be sure
if he’s happy and jolly
otherwise don’t come near
only when word got round
that the Old Bloke was off his Cloak
that’s the best of times
to go in and knock
he is now seen smiling happily
in which case you had better hurry
But..but..
whassup?
My Sales figures,
what about?
The graph keeps on declining!
Finished, done for
I’m in for a drubbing
my budget, the variance
my revenue is a far cry
help me , Lord
not that I didn’t try
Hold it, young man
That is not good marketing
It’s wishful thinking
Your Sales must be ascending
He’ll look you in the eye
That long and piercing look
You just cannot deny
You’ll be in his bad books
Only results count
Your luck may be down
That’s just too bad
He’ll get real mad
Luck and efforts don’t contribute
Results do, it’s the absolute
So, if you still want to see him
The Old Bloke with his Cloak?
You are off your defence
Take my word, no offense!
Just a word of advice
So long as your Sales are down
It is only wise
You will not want to be around
The Old Bloke with his Cloak
his mood swings will go extreme
You’ll better not be another victim
Sounds like a man to avoid!
ReplyDeleteNice tale of grim in the corporate world... I can relate to the sales side as I did worked one time in marketing.
ReplyDeleteHappy day ~
Hank, I read this with some humor in mind. Nice flow to the piece.
ReplyDeletePamela
Sales tale is awesome..
ReplyDeleteNice read as always :)
entertaining to say the least - sounds like it would get lots of laughs at an afterwork party - as long as the bloak in the cloak wasn't there :)
ReplyDeleteamazing.
ReplyDeletekeep inspiring.
Hi..!!
ReplyDeleteYou got a prize..!!
check it out at: http://madhulikaspeaks.blogspot.com/2011/08/here-comes-my-first-award_20.html
:)