Thursday, August 18, 2011

You Be Warned!

Photo Credit: Google Images


The Cloak

The Old Bloke, with the Cloak
Not in the best of times for him to listen
His mood swings often the butt of jokes
But you had better be warned
Look me up to get a feedback
Before you get to see him
Was he just sitting there laid back
And was it safe to let you in ?
He was ever ready to swoop down
On his unsuspecting subordinates
He would not just show a frown
His bark was as vicious as his bite
Is it safe to make an entry
You can only be sure
If he’s happy and jolly
Otherwise don’t come near
Only when word got round
That the Old Bloke was off his Cloak
That’s the best of times
To go in and knock
He is now seen smiling happily
in which case you had better hurry

But..but..
Whassup?
My Sales figures,
What about?
The graph keeps on declining!
Finished, done for
I’m in for a drubbing
My budget, the variance
My revenue is a far cry
Help me , Lord
Not that I didn’t try

Hold it, young man
That is not good marketing
It’s wishful thinking
Your Sales must be ascending
He’ll look you in the eye
That long and piercing look
You just cannot deny
You’ll be in his bad books
Only results count
Your luck may be down
That’s just too bad
He’ll get real mad
Luck and efforts don’t contribute
Results do, it’s the absolute
So, if you still want to see him
The Old Bloke with his Cloak?
You are off your defence
Take my word, no offense!
Just a word of advice
So long as your Sales are down
It is only wise
You will not want to be around
The Old Bloke with his Cloak
his mood swings will go extreme
You’ll better not be another victim

Inspired by d'Verse Critique and Craft

15 comments:

  1. ha. used to work in a sales environment and those that did not meet the quota met the grim reaper often for sure...also used to read cloak and dager comics...so nice pic...

    ReplyDelete
  2. haha yes could be on top of the world in his eyes one day and on his crap list the next, have to keep up.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ha nice hank - enjoyed your sales tale - i like the rhymes and flow of it..think it would win though if you'd give them some space to breathe and break it up in more stanzas like...

    The Old Bloke,
    with the Cloak
    Not in the best of times for him to listen
    His mood swings often
    the butt of jokes

    But you had better be warned
    Look me up to get a feedback
    Before you get to see him
    Was he just sitting there laid back
    And was it safe to let you in ? ....

    just a suggestion to highlight the rhymes better..

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is really great. I thoroughly enjoyed the read from start to finish. Top job!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Loved this Old Bloke in the Cloak poem. :O)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Such a joy to read.

    Have a good week-end;
    Yvonne.

    ReplyDelete
  7. hehehe.. loved your sale tale ;)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Great cadence and flow to this piece; the aural deice you employ (the rhyme in particular) really helps to move it along with some urgency. Also the repetition of the key-phrase 'Old bloke with the Cloak' is strong and underpins your Narrative. Some great wordplay in there too.

    I'd be inclined to go through the piece with a fine-tooth comb and ask wether each - every one - is really and truly needed. Every one must earn its place - every word, phrase, line. Even if it sounds great in itself, if it's not working for the piece overall, it must go. At best, it's cluttering and counterproductive in laying bare the essence of your theme/message. I think you could probably get this piece down to about 70% or 80% of the length it is at present, and it would be all the more powerful for it.

    Also think that (particularly given the modern tone and diction), dropping caps at beginnings of lines may be a good idea - it would aid the flow line-to-line and make it feel modern in structure (as only in the old days was poetry always always capitalised; most modern poets don't, bar following a period, of course). Just to see how that might look (merely a suggestion, as always) -

    The Old Bloke, with the Cloak
    not in the best of times for him to listen
    his mood swings often the butt of jokes
    but you had better be warned
    look me up to get a feedback
    before you get to see him
    was he just sitting there laid back
    and was it safe to let you in ?
    He was ever ready to swoop down
    on his unsuspecting subordinates
    he would not just show a frown
    his bark was as vicious as his bite
    is it safe to make an entry
    you can only be sure
    if he’s happy and jolly
    otherwise don’t come near
    only when word got round
    that the Old Bloke was off his Cloak
    that’s the best of times
    to go in and knock
    he is now seen smiling happily
    in which case you had better hurry

    But..but..
    whassup?
    My Sales figures,
    what about?
    The graph keeps on declining!
    Finished, done for
    I’m in for a drubbing
    my budget, the variance
    my revenue is a far cry
    help me , Lord
    not that I didn’t try

    Hold it, young man
    That is not good marketing
    It’s wishful thinking
    Your Sales must be ascending
    He’ll look you in the eye
    That long and piercing look
    You just cannot deny
    You’ll be in his bad books
    Only results count
    Your luck may be down
    That’s just too bad
    He’ll get real mad
    Luck and efforts don’t contribute
    Results do, it’s the absolute
    So, if you still want to see him
    The Old Bloke with his Cloak?
    You are off your defence
    Take my word, no offense!
    Just a word of advice
    So long as your Sales are down
    It is only wise
    You will not want to be around
    The Old Bloke with his Cloak
    his mood swings will go extreme
    You’ll better not be another victim

    ReplyDelete
  9. Nice tale of grim in the corporate world... I can relate to the sales side as I did worked one time in marketing.

    Happy day ~

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hank, I read this with some humor in mind. Nice flow to the piece.

    Pamela

    ReplyDelete
  11. Sales tale is awesome..
    Nice read as always :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. entertaining to say the least - sounds like it would get lots of laughs at an afterwork party - as long as the bloak in the cloak wasn't there :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hi..!!
    You got a prize..!!

    check it out at: http://madhulikaspeaks.blogspot.com/2011/08/here-comes-my-first-award_20.html
    :)

    ReplyDelete