Friday, March 3, 2017

It reeked of cheap whiskey and breathing heavily

                                                                                                  Attribution: ©Lorraine
Image: Quaint Little Station (here)

Clementine anxiously waited for the 5:40 out of the city, 
wondering if he would be on board.

Fear gripped her imagination.
For the past week.
Someone was shadowing her
Stalkers could be violent she reasoned
Yes, was he on board?
She stepped in gingerly.
The coach was empty.
She seated herself, still wondering.

Suddenly there was a rush from behind her.
They passed by her.
Half a dozen or so.
Whew! It was the uniformed teenagers
They were so well-behaved
at the end of the platform earlier.
It further bothered her.
A calming situation or a quiet person could
turn out to be the opposite the next minute!

A jolt, and the train started to move on slowly.
'This is going to be a pleasant journey,"
she smiled to herself
No sooner had she felt easy,
when she heard faint steps from
behind advancing slowly,
then seated directly behind her.
It reeked of cheap whiskey and
breathing heavily - she dared not look back.
she said a silent prayer....
(150 words - not including the 
given opening lines in italics)

MLMM's Finish off Fridays #9
Frank's at d'Verse MTB - prose poetry


  1. You described her fear well. Even if no one was stalking her that fear changes her view of the world around her.

  2. Sometimes praying is the only thing one can do

  3. You painted this exquisitely, Hank!

  4. Masterful handling of this whole thing (including the prelude). Almost like the "Twilight Zone".

  5. Alas the journey would be less than pleasant... I wonder what would happen next...

  6. Her joy was short lived...ominous and beautiful poem

    I wish you a wonderful weekend :)

  7. Excellent set up. Sounds like a great beginning to a mystery thriller.

  8. I like the unease you paint with the rushing teenagers, so well-behaved a minute ago. It intensifies her situation she finds herself in at the end of the poem.

  9. Scary with that unpleasant smell ~ Best to get off and take another train ~

  10. Oh this was done so well! Excellent tension, bravo!

  11. Ooooo, a cliffhanger! A great job of building suspense....and leaving us with our own fertile imagination! Kudos!

  12. What could come next, hopping trains I bet

  13. Full of suspense, an excellent write Hank.


  14. The scene is set and her fear, nerves, are visceral. The fear of not knowing...can be paralyzingly, hallucinatory as one listens fearfully...

  15. Excellent suspenseful write. Hope she is OK...
    Kind regards
    Anna :o]

  16. Creepy indeed. I once had a gent who didn't think I had moved fast enough at a traffic light start to follow me. I should have just went to the police station, but I found a road where I could turn around and face him as he approached and then sped by taking an alternate route home.